The Difficulties of Being a Hausfrau

It is very difficult to be a stay at home mom, especially for me. I never in a million years thought I would be doing it. I also never thought I would have three children (we only wanted two. Oops). I had big plans for myself, all that involved me working an awesome job, making a ton of money, while someone else cared for my kids. When the economy sunk in 2008, and my husband and I were both laid off within a year, we had to regroup. Charden was a baby. Beau decided to use his GI Bill to go back to school. I took a part time job at a retirement community (which lead to a promotion and a full time job). Three years later found us with two more kids, a mortgage payment, and Beau leaving school to pursue a job in computer programming. I just wasn't bringing in enough cash, and I also knew that Beau didn't have the multi-tasking skills to care for all three kids. There was no way for us to afford care for THREE children. So, here I am, HOUSEWIFE. Never saw that one coming.

It is difficult, but not how people really think it is. And you don't realize how incredibly difficult it is until you are HERE. The physical work isn't hard- changing diapers, dishes, laundry- anyone can do that stuff. It's so much more than that. You lose yourself in your kids. Sometimes I sit here and try to have a single original thought that doesn't involve them, and it's impossible. I am EVERYTHING to EVERYONE in this house. Period.

It's exhausting. It's exhausting because all five of my senses, (and sometimes my sixth sense of intuition), are constantly being challenged. I am listening to hear if someone is crying, screaming, hurting, hungry, tired, whiney (oh, god, the WHINING never stops!). And by the way, my two year old thinks she's a cat, which means she MEOWS all the time. I am watching, constantly assessing the situation- are they doing the right thing? Are they being bad? Where did those crushed up crackers come from I JUST VACUUMED DEAR GOD. Smelling- I'm sure you can guess what I'm smelling for. Is there poop in that diaper AGAIN? What have I been feeding this child? I am constantly being touched. All. The. Time. GET AWAY FROM ME. I probably say that more than I should, but I just don't want to be touched all the time. (I think my cat, Oliver, knows this and sinisterly plops himself on my lap as soon as the kids are in bed. It's his revenge, as he used to be my one and only baby). Tasting is probably the sense that is used the least, because heaven knows that I'm not ever tasting my own food. I'm incredibly lucky to eat it while it's still semi-warm. No, I'm tasting their food to see if it's too hot or cold, dreaming of a time when I could easily eat a giant bowl of Kraft Mac and Cheese and not have it immediately apply itself to my waistline. Having all five senses constantly used in this manner makes for one exhausting momma at the end of the day. There isn't much physical work involved with this portion of housewifedom, but the strain on the senses leaves me feeling like I just ran three marathons by the end of the day.

Obviously, the main job here is to keep the kids fed, clean and healthy. The challenge is keeping them HAPPY as well. And any stay at home mom will tell you that what makes your kids happy most of the time is not what keeps you happy. Yes, it's a wonderful feeling to watch your children giggle and having fun, but how many times can I watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates before I want to kill myself? I love having the kids color and paint, but jesus, what an ordeal to clean up after. I recently realized that I spend a large portion of my day debating how to do things with the least amount of clean-up. I hate cleaning. And, by the way, my kids think I love it because I am constantly doing it. MOMMY LOVES DOING DISHES BECAUSE SHE DOES THEM ALL THE TIME!!

Then there is the whole other aspect of being a stay at home mom. I feel guilty about this most of the time but it's the truth. I do not like being a stay at home mom. I have no sense of self anymore. There is literally no adult conversation throughout the day, and it gets incredibly lonely. Aside from having no sense of “me” anymore, I have also put any sort of personal goals on hold. But there's just so much more to this sacrifice, that I have trouble putting it into words. Being a stay at home mom is the ultimate sacrifice- you give up yourself as a whole, and you become everything- a servant, a maid, a taxi driver- to everyone around you.

I envy the moms who love doing this- who were made to do it. It must be awesome to love being at home with your kids all day. Being a Buddhist, I'm supposed to find the happiness of the now, the mindfulness of the moment. And I do, but there just simply is no challenge here for my overactive brain. There are many wonderful things about it, of course. My kids are very disciplined and have awesome manners. They are polite, kind and considerate of others (Charden is the only girl on her soccer team who will stop playing to help up a teammate who has fallen). I have a very special bond with Jamie, my youngest, because I have been with her since day one. She is totally a momma's girl, which melts my heart. I literally cannot imagine leaving her with anyone else at this point. It is fulfilling to a point, and I love their little faces oh so much. There is just no break. Ever.

I would like to give mad props to my husband, who is not only an amazing person, but also incredibly understanding of my plight, and the need for my own alone time. He was a stay at home dad before I was a stay at home mom, so he knows how hard it is. I could not do this without him and his compassion towards my situation. Also, he is an amazing father to his three little girls. He has no idea what is coming to him when they become teenagers. That makes me smile.

I guess one of the main point I am trying to make here, besides the difficulty in being a stay home mom is this. If you are not a stay at home mom, please don't judge. It is not what some of us want to do. Some of us don't have a choice. We do not sit around all day enjoying all of our “free” time (Haha). And likewise, I will never judge a full-time working momma, because I have been in those shoes as well, while pregnant, with a boss who was anti-family, anti-pregnancy.

The goal is to find my happiness, underneath all of the mom stuff. It's there somewhere, and every once and a while it pops its head up in the form of a girls night out, or a cuddly movie with my hubs. I spent a good half hour the other night with a smile plastered across my face as I watched Beau playing with the girls in the yard, everyone laughing hysterically and loving each other. My kids are everything to me, all of the good and the bad rolled into three adorable little packages. I cannot imagine my life without them, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming about it.

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